are you though?... - me
I have grown to notice that the importance of my existence lies in how much I connect to other people. I am a puzzle piece, forever walking around asking, Are you my other puzzle piece?
Kind of like the bird who was born away from its mother, forging onward on a quest to name everyone his mother until he had finally found the right mom, his actual mom, in the children’s book “no-brainer-ly” titled “Are You My Mother?”
Going along with that familial sense of belonging, I will metaphorically admit I was created an ant from a metaphorical ant colony. Somehow, I was born away from that colony, but every this day or that, I somehow meet people who tell me that I didn’t fall too far from the tree. People in my school have the same values and desires as me, and so do some of the women and men, as well as others in the BDSM community in my city. I am so lucky to have a university, at least 3 semi-local dungeons, along with a Chicago-full (my city-full) of munches to attend, whenever I please and am able.
I am blessed to have the student-level-norm amount of money for public transportation (which consists of a tuition-aided University Pass and seasonal donations from family members for bare necessities – like for those $30 bus passes I might be needing for a week that’s not during school, or $100 ones I can barely get my hands on for the winter break month, because apparently my school doesn’t recognize that I go to extra classes during the winter break sometimes…But yeah, who’s using all their money on public transportation? It sure is me…but it has its benefits such as going to the places I mentioned!).
This goes to say, even with all these people in existence within my general colony, I don’t never feel alone. After making a blog and going to as many dungeon events as I want (psych!, I can never go to enough), and having a busy full-time student life, I still can’t, and don’t, have too many contacts!
But this can be heavily because of their quality.
Often, I don’t rely on other people like they are the ~piece to my piece~ because they don’t do exactly the same for me. And, today, when I was up around 4AM talking to a friend that was rigging an animation project and simultaneously sobbing over his ex girlfriend with great multitask-ability, I recognized that those are the kind of conversations I want to have. Regularly – I want to sob about relationship issues!
When I can truly talk to someone about how my romantic relationship (or few are/) is going, all of its phases and moments, good and bad, that’s when I’m going to feel I have a true quality relationship with some person. I dunno why, but I feel that’s what I need to feel safe in a relationship. And when I find someone with that niche ability to speak a lot on those things, I then will find that puzzle piece that connects to me who does by needing that type of interaction as much as me. That puzzle piece will entertain me often, too. Because I just have that much time to waste. (I am a total communication-whore.)
And if you were wondering, for some reason my Dom can’t do that for me. And if he’s not that type of person for me, it’s just what it is. And I am not too sure he prefers that consistency or depth of communication as much as I do, anyway, so he’s unfortunately, undoubtedly, not the puzzle piece that fits into this vital part of me, even though he’s my Dom. The only place he fits into in my common life is the BDSM slot. If you guessed that you can’t have it all, you guessed right.
My Dom’s level of dominance is very minimal and superficial right now, and if he grows and learns how to meet different parts of my personality in the way I need it, then he can fit that place, like whenever. But until then, I need to let my Dom’s Dom side grow, instead of focusing on how he can be more than just a Dom. I have to let him hit that bare minimum bar before I can let him bear the burden of my tender parts of my soul, responsibly. Or else he might end up juggling them skill-lessly and breaking something important. Because my soul is important, you know.
Which sucks, because I want my Dom to be everything, but surprisingly he is not up there in theory, yet. Which is okay. Someone else will just take that place (for now). Maybe it will open up for him, too, at some point. I really want him to do it now, now, now, but I can only hope that he can become it, ever, because I know my Dom is not even near that aspect called ‘perfection’. And maybe he won’t become that right away; and I can’t be too mad at that. My Dom is in fact the best example of a Dom-in-Progress. So much so that he takes up a blog subject. His ups and downs with BDSM alone can fill a blog, as they will with this blog. I’m calling him out.