Sometimes you wanna scream. But do we talk about those times were we’d rather laugh and quit the drama? That’s where I am now. I have been part of a system of alternate personalities where the host has been aware of it for 3 years, and one thing I’ve noticed about all this is that you know what’s truly in your mind. you know what’s been there since you’ve been small, what’s been hiding since you started to grow and understand the world for what it really is, and subconsciously what still haunts you as you try to ignore the horrors of growing up in the world. There’s some things that I’d like to prescribe to our host in particular that we know, have always known, and will never forget now that it has been realized by our conscious mind: we are afraid of the dark, afraid of interacting with people, and afraid of letting people know who we are (which includes our thoughts and feelings – the stuff that makes us up on the inside).
The first time we can remember being scared of the dark is when we were a child, feeling that she shadows shifted when our eyes had to refocus within the darkness, and that they made shapes, of – who else but those we fear encounters with? – people. Strange people, people that seemed bigger than us, dressed weirder than us, and even a different gender than us. There were more things in the dark, we were sure, because if we could only see a few things and barely guess what they were, what else could be hiding in those silhouettes we could barely make out?
Now, did we ever grow up from being scared of the dark? No. We started to like it and submerge ourselves in it and beg for the TV to be off when we sleep. We ended up needing the darkness to rest. But something in us ticked when our young adult body experienced its first sexual assault. Somehow, darkness became related to strangers which became related to fears that related themselves to our sexual assault, even though our assault was done by a friend and it wasn’t super dark when it happened, either. We could see everything. But something regarding taking a risk and diving into our fears head-first was halted when the assault happened. We noticed danger. We noticed that reaching into our fears to see them staring back could have consequences, and that reaching forward into recovery for even that recent trauma could have consequences, and so could reaching backwards into past trauma to heal it. So, everything we’d done to this point as a unit to get over our fears retracted itself until there was no progress. We are now afraid of the dark. We are now afraid of socializing again even though we’ve come to be a social butterfly in our later years. And we now have had a hard time getting into and keeping interest in things that we like, and having the world be in on it as well. The progress we have made, did it ever really exist if it could unravel from one traumatic experience?
So, I say you know who you are, and that you will never change. You can work around it, make improvements, and even act in spite of your fears and quirks, but in the end they will always find you. And that is how my system’s host found out about its probable Dissociative Identity Disorder. The host “became different” as a child, and then that way of carrying themselves switched off when they had to fend for themselves as an adult in an oppressive household. They didn’t know why they changed as a child: they went from caring about their elders to despising them, and from being cheerful to having less than an affect. They went from assertive to submissive and they went from wearing their emotions on their sleeve to emotionless. But they were simply a child, and just getting older and tougher were easily able to explain away what happened to their personality. It would be different if they grew up into that person completely, but they tore away from that person that they put on like a shawl to hide themselves from the world the moment it mattered. The host discovered cloaking and what it meant. It meant not being yourself, and fooling everyone around you so that you could be safe in who you were without judgement, prying from others, or fear of what them finding out meant. Just being yourself in silence. The person they cloaked themselves from was their father, and somewhat their mother, who enabled his abusiveness. Now that their father has been ejected from their household for two years now, what else does the host have to cloak from? Well…now it’s the fact that they’ve been cloaking all their lives, and that cloaking has led to sides of them that haven’t been expressing themselves for years. Now, as they each unveil, they are different, want their own lives, and have their own suggestions on what things should be like for themselves, now that they have the opportunity to make life what they want it to be. But the host wants them back under the veil.The host wants to pretend they are whole and never let their personality fragment in the first place.